These past few days have been only making me feel more stressed, which leads me to become more emotionally dead inside and more colder and expressionless. This is happening because of intense stress levels trying to penetrate my brain and my brain developing defenses against those terrible monsters. Adding on to that, I try to maintain an somewhat expressionless face and mood, because of the cracking mood swings raging inside of me. These things make me disguise my feelings and thoughts, which is exactly the same as keeping to myself for a long time. Welp, enough about me and my self-pity, let's get on with the socially awkward moments of looking completely devoid of emotion.
1. Those moments when a person just confesses something and you stare at them, thinking that this is awkward, but the outside version of you looks like you're staring down at a pathetic moron that's a waste of time. (Too long) I had a friend saying that he was too miserable to go to school and that he was a terrible human being. Though I looked like a total inconsiderate person, looking down at him like he was no interest to me, I wanted to console him, because I'm a nice human being! (Ugh) But nevertheless, I screwed this up too, because being inconsiderate turned out to be a habit. I also said, "Don't care", and screwed up a friendship. While writing this, I looked down at myself and called me some insulting names I wouldn't write in this blog. So I decided to just hurt myself instead of others. That turned out to be a complete catastrophe because I feel depressed. Now I don't look as devoid of human feelings as before, but I sometimes say some blunt and too frank words to people, scarring them for life.
2. Moving on, to a moment where the English teacher asked literally EVERYONE in our class what they wanted to be when they grew up. It sounded like a literal preschooler question to me, so I thought of my answer, an animator. However, a kid in my class, (whom I said some harsh words to) said he wanted to be gayyyyyyyyy. Everybody else laughed, but I didn't, because that wasn't thaaaat funny. Then some kids pestered me why I wasn't laughing, and i replied, "Because it's a dumb answer and a unintelligent joke that's kind of rude to gay people, and I don't know why you dum-dums are laughing at this completely humorless and stupid joke". They looked hurt. That day, I discovered that my words can scar other people.
Also, I discovered a lot about myself that I didn't know previously, during the period of time where I kept EVERYTHING to myself. I learned that drawing actually was a hobby, that I wanted a drawing pad, and I wanted to be an animator on Youtube. Also, that I have ridiculous mood swings, I get depressed really easily, and sometimes I refer to myself as a complete (bad word)
Comments